


Counting Stars

by puskababy



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Male Bonding, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 16:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puskababy/pseuds/puskababy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim works through everything, with some help from Bones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting Stars

**Author's Note:**

> This follows on directly from my other fic, 'What happens on Tarsus IV stays on Tarsus IV'. This will make more sense if you read that first. :)

Jim was never so glad to be back aboard the Enterprise. The cool quiet, calm corridors soothed his unsteady emotions – a balm to the harsh and unyielding Kanta prison he’d just escaped from. Well, escape might be a bit strong – was released from would be more accurate. He still couldn’t quite believe that had happened – that he’d allowed it to happen no less. A ship’s Captain should know every detail about the planet he beams down to, and shouldn’t willingly risk the lives of his crew. But that was exactly what he’d done. He’d risked the lives of his crew, his best friend. It was unforgivable. 

Thankfully Alpha shift had just finished, so he was afforded some free time to work things through in his head. There was so much to consider. He hadn’t meant to bring up the Tarsus IV incident, but being back in that cell, his movements restricted had brought it all back. He wasn’t used to being tampered down, he was used to going wherever he pleased. He’d been like that even back in Riverside, but it was something he’d worked on at the Academy. He’d thought he was doing well. 

Sighing softly he made his way through the corridors and decks of his ship to the uppermost level, and the solitude of the Observation Deck. Quietly he stood in front of the panel, staring out at the wide expanse of space and the glittering stars before him. It was quiet up here, and he could hear his thoughts clearly, which was something he wasn’t sure was good for him at that moment. What he really needed was the sometimes harsh realism of his best friend, but Bones was on shift in Sickbay and wouldn’t be off until 2100 hours. That was still an hour away, and Jim didn’t want to disturb him. 

He knew Bones had to be burning with curiosity, after all the Tarsus IV incident wasn’t listed on his file, and it wasn’t something he’d spoken about at any great length to anyone, apart from Captain Pike. Jim had felt it best to discuss what had happened on the planet because he didn’t want anything to jeopardize his career, but it had been at best a perfunctory conversation, a mere insistence that he was all right, and that the horrors of his past wouldn’t impact his career in any way. 

Now he was starting to wonder if he’d been lying to himself. How could witnessing the death of over 4000 people not have some sort of impact on his personal character? How could it not have moulded some part of himself into the man he was today? It was all so confusing and he blew out another breath as he stared out the view screen. Stars and nebulae, white dwarfs and red giants whizzed by courtesy of the ships warp drive. They were currently at Warp 4 heading toward a deep space station for some much needed shore leave. It would take them another 12 hours before they reached the station. 

He’d always loved watching the stars, even as a child back in Iowa he’d loved nothing more than finding a high place and loosing himself in the midnight hue of the sky, watching for satellites and shooting stars and wondering if one day he’d be among them. That dream had all but faded after his father’s death, it had taken him a long time to understand his father’s actions, and there were still days when he thought back to them. But the love of the stars had never left him, even in his darkest hours, which was something Christopher Pike had perceptively picked up on the day of their fateful meeting at the shipyards. Everything had happened so fast then, enlisting, meeting a highly aviophobic doctor by the name of McCoy, his Starfleet career, and now this. His Captaincy of the newest flagship in the fleet. It was mind numbing. 

“Please tell me you haven’t been up here since you got off duty” 

Jim started at the familiar gruff tone of Bones, turning to offer the other man a brittle smile. 

“Just needed some time to myself” he said absently, turning back to the view. Bones sidled up next to him. 

“Not sure that’s what you need right now kid” he muttered. 

Jim almost smiled. Trust Bones to know exactly what he needed. They’d been best friends for a number of years now and sometimes Jim thought Bones knew him better than he knew himself. Sure felt like that now at least. 

“How long have you been up here Jim?”

Jim cleared his throat. “Few hours I guess. Just needed to sort a few things out after…everything”

Bones nodded. “Well as far as I can tell a man needs something to drink when he’s thinking so hard. Why don’t you come back to my quarters and we can open that bottle of bourbon again?”

Jim swallowed. He knew if he went back to Bones’ quarters he’d have to spill the whole tale from start to finish, but he also knew he owed it to the other man to at least give him an explanation. He wasn’t sure he wanted to delve into it again, to open up that old wound and let it bleed. Maybe he should just go to bed and be done with it. 

But instead he found himself agreeing, almost before he could stop himself. “Sure”

***

Jim Kirk looked like shit Leonard mused as he led the way to his quarters. His face was so open it was easy to tell what he was thinking about, and _goddamn_ the look in his eyes was almost enough to undo him entirely. Jim didn’t need to be alone right now: he needed him. And maybe a few fingers of that bourbon he kept for moments just like these. Leonard knew it was a heavy burden being responsible for a crew this size, but he also knew there was no one, (in his opinion anyway) better to manage that responsibility than Jim Kirk. He also knew the kid had a habit of getting too caught up in his own head, and had promised himself he’d always be there to bring him back. 

Jim paused once they reached Leonard’s quarters and he bit back the spike of concern. Jim knew the passcode to the door, he’d hacked it as soon as they’d gotten the ship and normally he’d go straight inside. Not today, now he paused and waited for Leonard to key in his pass and for the door to slide open with a soft hiss before he went in. Damn the kid was really out of it. Better get that drink into him fast. 

Jim went straight to the couch and Leonard could see the exact moment the tension eked out of him, the way his shoulders slumped and he loosed a soft breath, continuing to stare off into the distance while Leonard bustled around his small space. He snagged two tumblers and the half-drunk bottle of bourbon from a cabinet and sat down opposite his friend, pouring two fingers of the amber coloured liquid for himself, and a generous three for Jim. 

It burned on the way down and not for the first time Leonard relished it, savouring the smoothness of flavour and the warmth spreading through him. It wasn’t enough however, and he felt hollow, Jim’s haunted eyes dissolving the residual warmth from the alcohol. He needed to get the man talking, get that poison out of him before it swallowed him whole. 

Slowly he watched Jim raise the glass to his lips and suck back a mouthful, holding it in his mouth for a moment. Leonard knew he was relishing the burn as well. Jim coughed slightly at the taste. He’d never been much for hard liquor, sure they’d shared boozy nights back at the Academy, but rarely had he seen Jim indulge to escape. 

“What’s eating you Jim?” he asked after a moment of careful silence. He knew perfectly well what was bothering him, but his Georgia manners chose odd moments to kick in. 

Jim blinked. “I guess you’re curious about what happened right?”

“I am, but you’ll tell me when you’re good and ready. You always have. There’s something else though”

Jim paused. “Do you think trauma changes a person? God I don’t even know if trauma is the right word. It happened years ago…I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t even know if I’m the same man”

“I think things that happen do shape and mould someone. I wouldn’t say change, but mould”

“I was never a particularly well behaved child. Always getting myself into trouble, my brother Sam and I were always fooling around. Always on the go. I guess it came back to bite me in the end”

Leonard waited patiently, knowing Jim needed to work through it himself. He took another mouthful of bourbon. 

“My step-father Frank was a bastard, used to drink a lot and used to get nasty when he did. Never to Mom, he was only interested in us kids. I was always on the lookout, trying to protect Sam. Didn’t always work”

Leonard swallowed uncomfortably. He’d known Jim’s personal life hadn’t been easy. It was a rarely broached subject between them, but now that he thought about it, it had clearly shaped Jim into the man he was today. Fiercely protective, more than physically capable, and so goddamn smart it wasn’t even funny. He was quite literally the smartest man Leonard had ever met. 

“I guess one day Frank had finally had enough. It might have had something to do with the vintage car of his I’d just purposefully wrecked, but yeah. He finally snapped. Told my Mom he thought it would be good to ship us off to a colony on Tarsus IV for a few months. Said it would be character building” Jim said bitterly, swallowing another mouthful of bourbon. This time he didn’t cough. 

“I don’t know why I was surprised when Mom said yes. She’d never been overly invested, Frank said it was because I reminded her too much of Dad, but I don’t know. So we were shipped off to Tarsus IV for a 6 month stay on a farming community. I didn’t mind it at first, I’m not afraid of hard work. Then things started to go bad” Jim paused again and absently swirled the remaining liquor in his glass. 

Leonard knew what was coming. Almost everyone knew what had happened on Tarsus IV, but he hadn’t known Jim was there. Goddamn it. 

“Everything just started to die. I don’t know why, we were doing everything possible to keep the plants alive, but they just…died. Then things got worse. We hadn’t seen a supply ship for weeks and food was running out, we had nothing. Most of what we had was given to the elderly or the sick. Sam and I had to pretty much fend for ourselves. I kept trying to find food for him, for us but there was nothing left. Then I saw the list”

The death list. It was common knowledge that General Kodos, the man in charge of the colony had decided to execute 4000 people in order for what he called the ‘better’ half to survive. The real kicker was that Kodos had no way of knowing that ships were on their way to rescue the colonists. Things may have been different if only they’d had more time. Hindsight was a powerful thing, Leonard mused. 

“I guess Kodos didn’t think much of children. After that I got Sam out and we ran off into the scrub. I couldn’t let them kill him. I…don’t remember much after that” Jim’s voice faded. 

Horrified Leonard closed his eyes for a moment. To think Jim had come that close to death. He didn’t know how he’d survived. 

“How did you...?” he let his voice trail off. 

Jim looked up. “Survive? I honestly don’t know. I didn’t even see the ships coming, but Sam said they did. He said the rescue team were just about to leave before someone spotted us and came back. I don’t remember much else, except for being cold and tired. I was so tired”

Slowly Leonard reached over and refilled both their glasses, his mind reeling. How had Jim managed to keep something like this a secret for so long? 

“Jim how did you manage to keep this quiet? They only got 13 people off that damn planet. Everyone else was…”

“Gone” Jim said flatly. 

“Yeah”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know Bones. I mean I was on that death list, Sam too. They didn’t think we were good enough to survive, we weren’t important enough”

Leonard’s heart broke at the vulnerable tone in Jim’s voice. He wasn’t used to seeing it from the other man. Bravado, cheekiness, even arrogance yes, but this? He didn’t like it. Not one little bit. Now it all clicked into place for him, Jim’s protectiveness, his innate curiosity, and his relentless thirst for knowledge. He was making up for lost time. He was making sure he was important enough…for what? Survival? Life? 

Goddamn it. 

Jim continued to stare vacantly at the floor: a sheen of moisture in his eyes and suddenly Leonard couldn’t take it anymore. He slammed down his tumbler and wrapped the kid in his arms, unsurprised to feel the tremor running through Jim’s body. 

Jim sucked in a sob and clung to him tightly. 

“You’re important enough Jim. Don’t ever forget it. You’re the best and brightest of us” Leonard whispered vehemently, holding Jim tightly. His own tears threatened to fall but he blinked them away. He needed to be strong. 

Jim nodded but didn’t speak. They sat like that for an immeasurable period of time, letting Jim’s fear and shame leak out of him until he lay quiescent in Leonard’s arms, his hands still clinging to his blue uniform. It was quiet in the room, but not uncomfortable. They’d gotten over any awkwardness between them long ago. 

Finally Leonard looked at the chrono on the wall. 23:58, almost midnight: and well past bedtime. For both of them. Thank God they’d get to the station soon, they both needed time off this floating tin can. Right now though, Leonard was having a hard time keeping his eyes open and suspected Jim might already be asleep. 

“Jim? Kid? Come on, let’s get you to bed” Leonard said, gently squeezing Jim’s shoulder. 

“I’m awake” Jim’s voice was soft and hazy with sleep and he made for the door as soon as he was on his feet. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Leonard said gruffly, pulling a pair of Starfleet-issued boxers from a drawer and tossing them to the other man. Jim looked confused. 

“My quarters. For bed” he said. 

Leonard shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous Jim. You’re staying here. There’s no way I’m leaving you alone after a revelation like that”

Jim looked like he was about to protest but Leonard raised his eyebrow. 

“Doctors orders kid”

A soft smile graced Jim’s face. “Thanks Bones”

They got ready for bed in an easy silence, Jim naturally taking the right side of the bed while Leonard took the left. 

“Lights off” Leonard called and a moment later the room was plunged into darkness. Jim wriggled around for a bit before he got comfortable, facing Leonard in the dark. 

“You’re a fine Captain kid. Don’t let what happened get to you. We’re both hale and whole, living to fight another day on this godforsaken tin can, so please don’t beat yourself up about it”

“Captains aren’t supposed to make mistakes” Jim whispered. 

“Jim you forget you’re human, and as much as you’d like to think it, you’re not perfect. No one is. Mistakes will be made, the important thing is to realise which ones matter. What happened down there doesn’t even qualify ok?”

Jim was silent for a few moments and Leonard thought he’d gone back to sleep before he spoke again. 

“Thank you Bones. For…everything”

Leonard was glad it was dark, but he feared the heat in his cheeks would light up the room. 

“It’s no problem kid. Now go to sleep. You need to be looking your best for shore leave. Just think of all the girls you’ll have to chase down there”

It was silent again before Jim chuckled. “I always look my best”

Leonard laughed and couldn’t help the few tears that escaped his eyes. Typical Jim. He’d be ok. 

They both would


End file.
